Now Hiring: Satirical Lifeguards Wanted

Being a lifeguard is simply magical. Nothing beats sitting in the sun for ten hours a day; however, jumping in the sweaty water to save a seemingly parentless child is a close second. The nosebleeds I get to tend to are fantastic practice for my dream job of being a doctor without borders, and there are so many nosebleeds I just know I’m prepared for anything else in the medical field. Because I get the pleasure of working with other teenagers who are incredibly mature, I’m always so excited to go to work. My co-workers and I especially appreciate the strict no-phone policy; I would hate to be distracted while on the third break of my eight hour shift. One of my favorite memories is when I was on one of these breaks, eating, and another lifeguard jumped into the pool to save some really smart kid who decided he didn’t need to swim in order to jump off the diving board. It is my job as a lifeguard on break to run to the place the hero is; meaning I must drop what I am doing and run. The best part from all of this is that I was eating lunch when this child conveniently began to drown, so with all the grace and bravery of a sixteen year old lifeguard, I threw my thundercloud sandwich to the ground and triumphantly slipped on it while running to help. It is times like these, when I can squash my lunch as if it is the reason parents forget to watch their babies, that I know what I do is worth it. It’s times when I slip while getting on the lifeguard stand, that I am so grateful for the forty hours of training I went to, so that I may apply a bandaid on my self. I urge you all to become a lifeguard as soon as you can, because you will not regret it.

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